Fear is the mind killer

Back in early 2007 I wrote a blog entry titled, Fear, here is that blog:

"Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain."
Mark Twain

I have always said I'm afraid of being alone. But now to face that fear head on. I don't think I ever faced it before. I've faced other fears and conquers them. But the fear of being alone, wow. That's a biggie! I used to go surfing almost everyday and we used to have to jump off the end of the jetties to get into the surf when it was big or too chopped out. Standing at the end of the jetties with the waves crashing at your feet was scary. You have to time the wve just right so you can slide down the back side of wave then paddle like hell so your not tossed like a rag doll on the jagged rocks. we would watch people who didn't have their timing down and get hammered on the rocks, I did not want to be one of those guys. So you sucked it up and jump. After a few times you are no longer scared , the fear is still there but no longer shaky scared. Why the surfing story you ask? I never faced my fear of being alone. It sucks, the house is empty the phone doesn't ring. I want to get out and do something. This is kind of like when I was the one armed bandit, ha damn broken arm. I can do anything I want but i need to be away from people for a while. I'm not contagious, my leprosy is under control. If I don't do this now I'll never be the same person I was in my past, full of life, loved what i did for a living, loved myself. My self image is no where what it used to be. So how to fix it? I guess back to the gym, work harder at kung fu both are my therapies. Live each day as if it were my last, that's the one! My biggest motto has been Why just stand and watch, live life!

I have to do this for myself, so that I can love fully again. Yes the ability is there to love but how can I trully love another if i don't love myself.. Lots of work. But I have my entire life right?

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear. - Dune by Frank Herbert

Why? Why fear? Fear is the subject of many great philosophers, my favorite...Yoda.
"Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. I sense much fear in you." He also said, “Named must your fear be before banish it you can.” You would think that after 800 years you be that you to would have such wisdom, right? You MUST name your fear. Stare it in the face then, KILL IT, or it will own you.

I know people that are scared to death of water, even though they have never been near it. Why? The thought of drowning has overtaken them to the point of not even stepping in the water. Some people are afraid to travel for fear of the unknown. Uh, hello? Traveling gives you experiences that you can NEVER find at home. Yes, you can watch TV and see all these wonderful things, but to actually stand on a Mayan pyramid and to see one on TV are not the same.

Plato's Cave speaks of people chained in a cave. They are compelled to stare at a wall with a fire behind them. All they can see are shadows. To them, the shadows are their reality. How would these people react if those chains were broken and they entered the sunlight? Overwhelmed? Scared? Then they would see the wonders that are around them as they acclimate to their NEW surroundings. Then what would happen if these people went back into their cave? They would see that those shadows were merely shadows and that there is a bigger world around them. This is more about education AND about fear because overcoming fear is educational. Going back to see once you have banished fear that is really is a shadow and not your world. Overcome your fears. Try something new today.

Why just stand and watch? LIVE LIFE!!!

Pick a card

Watching the waves of green grass on the drive up was soothing. I don't think I've ever seen fields so deep green. I thought, what it must have looked like 100's of years ago with out the urban sprawl. The thought of why we were on our way to Dallas weighed heavy on me. I don't think it really hit me until I saw the hearse. As I stood next to my brother, waiting... then my cousins, waiting...the door open and it hit me.

We stood shoulder to shoulder, passing the long handle to my brother, the weight slowly dissolved. As we walked, everything outside my left hand disappeared. I could feel every grain in the wood, the bumps and imperfections of the floor resonated. My heart heavy seeing the pall spread by my Aunt and cousins, the grief in their eyes very familiar. I felt a calm, overcome me. As if a hand placed on my head saying everything will be okay. I have felt that very same feeling only once before.

As we sat in the church I last was in 30 some years ago I reflected...

My earliest memory was watching him and my Aunt Dollie, disco dancing at my grandmothers. I remember walking with my Grandma to visit him at the grocery store. Standing by the big table as he gave me my first "real" football with "Happy Birthday Ricky Love, Uncle Danny", written in marker. I felt so cool riding the lightning bolt skateboard, the one that my brother killed a tooth on. I think my introduction to fitness was in his apartment in Dallas. He had some weights in his room. He had a giant collection of hats he proudly displayed, in the garage. I don't think he was allowed to have them ALL in the house. I once heard him complain, about the time he went hunting with my Dad, he got the stand, no walls in sub freezing weather and sleet. I felt so bad when I poke him in BOTH eyes as we played The Three Stooges. Did he get angry? Nope. After that I realized that Moe poked Curly's brow NOT his eyes. He gave me a deck of cards, Magic cards. I still have them and know how to use them. He wouldn't have it any other way. I remember watching him during his ordination, his blessings. I still have the medallion he blessed especially for me dangling on my truck visor. I say a prayer and rub it every time I get behind the wheel. I was besides myself when he held my daughters, blessed them asked for their protection.

I will miss my Uncle Danny, he was very instrumental in shaping me into the man I am today. I thank God that he put him in my life to teach me patience and understanding. To empathize with the world around me. Can I touch as a many hearts as he did? Can I Let Go as he did?

He is a shining example of what we all should strive for.

Yes, I do truly believe, that was one. But in my heart he has always been a Saint.

In memory of Daniel Covarrubias my Uncle Danny.